This Week's Excitement, and Some Good Books

So, yeah.  This week's excitement.  Do you recognize this stuff?

Uh huh.  Colonoscopy is booked for Tuesday.  Which means I'll be spending Monday on the toilet.
So. Much. Fun. 
If you missed my FIRST colonoscopy stories in 2010...
HERE is the prep.
HERE is the day.

SOME GOOD BOOKS
I've had a string of really good books from the library.  I read most books on my tablet, so I get an email from the library when a book I've had "on hold" arrives for me.  It gets to be very awkward when two or three books arrive within days of each other.  Books that were wait-listed cannot be renewed - they just poof disappear on their expiry date.  At times like that, housework goes out the window (although, to be honest - housework's proper place IS out the window).

The Alice Network, by Kate Quinn.  This is about a network of women spies.  The story flips back and forth, to cover connected stories...between WWI and 1947.  It includes lots of suspense, and enough romance to keep things interesting.

This Is How It Always Is, by Laurie Frankel.   I was engrossed by the end of the third paragraph.  Seriously!  This book grabbed me and did not let go for one single minute - beginning to end.  It's about a family: mom, dad, five kids.  The youngest child turns out to be transgender.  It's funny, emotional, heartbreaking, romantic, and incorporates a running fairy tale.  An excellent story from cover to cover.

The City Baker's Guide to Country Living, by Louise Miller. This book also grabbed me right away.  After all, I was just in France on a chef's tour, and I entertain you with enough cooking and zucchini stories that you KNOW I enjoy time in my kitchen.  The chef in question is a woman who creates an, um, incident at her place of employment.  She beats a hasty retreat to Vermont looking for a little solace from her long-time friend.  I haven't finished this yet, but the first half of the book has been great.

"The Day" arrives

Today was THE day. The colonoscopy day. I woke at 8 and gravity took hold of my watery bowels once again... mad dash to the potty. I was back in there not too much later, again. And yet once again around 9. I had two lonely cups of black coffee for breakfast. My appointment was booked for 12:15 and I was very impressed - they were pretty much on time.

I am no longer an IV virgin. The sleepy drip had me spinning in a matter of seconds. Watching the inside of yourself on a monitor while you're stoned is very weird. I remember feeling discomfort at some point, and trying to tell the doc and the nurse, but they just kept on chatting to each other. Louder, it seemed.

In the end (har har har, another pun!!!) I have perfect bowels. Not a lump or a bump to be found. DH weaved me down the hospital hallways to the car (I was still quite stoned when we left), helped me up the back stairs at home, and aimed me towards the bed where I slept the afternoon away. I expelled enough gas to fill at least three beach balls. I dunno how the doc got it all in there??? I spent the evening quite groggy and quasi-sleepy, but I'm feeling pretty much wide awake now. Great. 9:30 pm and I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Chronicle of 'the PREP' (yes, I really am blogging about it)

7:45 - nice note DH left me, eh? Ha ha, very funny. Pour my coffee & start my oatmeal. I don’t need to take anything until 9 am.
8:40 - shower & get dressed. I think I’ll be smart (!!) And wear shorts with an elastic waistband. They should be nice and QUICK to move up & down later, when I will want that feature.
9:20 - take the 4 little (seriously tiny) Dulcolax pills. Actually READ the instructions enclosed with the Purgodan powders which I’ll be taking later, and realize I was supposed to have a no/low fibre breakfast. Uh oh. Oatmeal & raisins - low fibre??? Don’t think so.
9:30 - head down to my workroom and get started on my partial work day. Things are totally uneventful so far.
11:30 - tummy is feeling... hungry? I’m not allowed anything but clear fluids & jello, so hungry will make no difference.
11:45 - maybe not hungry. Maybe uncomfortable?
12:00 - definitely bubbly/gurgly & uncomfortable. Sounding a bit like the basement sump pump.
12:10 - go potty. Not nice - will not describe. Wash hands and go back to work.
12:12 - go potty. Repeat above.
12:14 - repeat, mostly, but in the potty for much longer time.
12:20 - repeat. The elastic waistband on my shorts is feeling way, way too tight. I’m in the bathroom so long this time I wish I’d had the foresight to put on my wireless headphones. Then at least I could be listening to the radio, distracting myself from the noxious fumes in the potty. Sorry, I did say I wasn’t going to describe things, didn’t I?
12:30 - OMG, I finally manage to escape long enough to go upstairs and grab a summer shift. These shorts have GOT TO GO. Hah, hah, hah. Double entendre there. I take summer shift into the upstairs potty, where I open the window, then take a seat on the throne. I am not able to leave and wonder if DH will come home and find me on the crapper, collapsed from dehydration. The instructions indicate you must consume at least a full glass of water-based fluids every hour, but I can’t get to the kitchen. Heeeeelp.
12:40 - ok, made it out and now wearing the summer shift. Much easier on tummy. Get emergency glass of water and head down to the office where I start this journal entry. I really think this experience needs documenting, if for no other reason than I’ll likely have to do it all again in a few years, and will want to remember it in exquisite detail.
1:00 - feeling hungry again. Slightly worried, based on last time. Wander around aimlessly for a while.
1:10 - have some apple juice and go back to work. Stock bathrooms with reading material and more toilet paper. I’m pretty sure I will need both, eventually.
1:25 - back in the potty for another 10 minutes. The reading material was a good idea.
2:20 - Things have been nice and quiet for almost an hour, but it’s time for a concoction. I prepare & drink sachet # 1 of Purgodan. I really had to steel myself after reading the little caution about “if it heats up, let it cool before drinking, continuing to stir while it cools down”. It did not heat up and tasted, all things considered, ok. A combination of 7-UP and orange, with a slight but definite chemical undertone. I do know that things are going to start percolating again. Soon.
2:30 - I decide I deserve a break today. Cuddle up to the big-ass tv to watch America Sews.
3:00 - the ShamWow commercial drives me away from the tube. I am going back to work, for a while at least, and wonder what I’ll have for supper tonight. I have to choose between vegetable broth, chicken broth, or beef broth. Oh, decisions, decisions. I notice a funny little muscle spasm in my lower mid-back. Hmm. Muscle spasm? Or do we have intestines there?
4:00 - I think it was just muscle spasms. Little bloink bloink bloinks. Hunger is setting in, so I dig through the pantry until I find the orange jello package from 5 years ago. I set the water to boil and give DH pretty clear instructions to make Jello. Then I repeat the instructions. Then explain what a fruit nappy is. Once that’s under control I return to the sweat shop.
5:00 - work is finished and I head upstairs with a worry on my mind. Crap! (little ha ha ha over my choice of words), I wonder if I’ve done something wrong? There has been NO (ahem) ACTIVITY for hours. I’m due for concoction # 2 of Purgodan. Cold water, stir, stir, stir, exercise caution if it heats up, drink, drink, drink. My brain is smarter than I am apparently. I get the stuff in my mouth but have great difficulty getting my body to swallow. Meanwhile, DH is making supper. Can you tell which is which? How mean can a guy be? We shared a laugh (although I’m careful about laughing too hard. Just in case.) about how on a NORMAL day, if he’d tried to feed that pizza to me for supper, I’d have been pretty ticked off. But in the current circumstances it smells really really good. Because I cannot have any. Yum - salty and greasy makes my mouth water.
5:45 - uh oh. Just like Freddy Krueger.... it’s baaaack... Off to the potty. Pretty much just liquid now. Sorry. TMI??? (“too much information” for those of you who don’t understand acronyms)
5:50 - back to the potty.
5:55 - back to the potty. I dare not trust a fart. A rough calculation goes: if the 2:20 concoction has effect at 5:45, the 5:00 concoction should strike at 8:25.
6:40 - I thought I was done until 8:25-ish, but it seems not.
6:50 - The Niagara Farmer’s Monthly is almost finished in the downstairs potty. I need to find another periodical to keep me amused AFTER 8:30. In the meantime, we will attempt to watch a movie. Brothers, starring Spider Man, I mean Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Natalie Portman.
6:55 - sigh. Maybe NOW we can start the movie.
9:30 - several potty trips have interrupted the film. I’ve had a jello, a glass of water, a chamomile tea, a cup of broth, and I’m HUNGRY. I’m saving a second jello for 10 pm, then I’ll have my third jello for brunch tomorrow. Normally at this time of night I’d be pouring a glass of wine, but since I’ve not eaten I don’t want to get... ready???... shitfaced. Hah hah hah hah hah. Pffftt - I’m going to bed.