Monday, August 9, 2010

Chronicle of 'the PREP' (yes, I really am blogging about it)





7:45 - nice note DH left me, eh? Ha ha, very funny. Pour my coffee & start my oatmeal. I don’t need to take anything until 9 am.
8:40 - shower & get dressed. I think I’ll be smart (!!) And wear shorts with an elastic waistband. They should be nice and QUICK to move up & down later, when I will want that feature.
9:20 - take the 4 little (seriously tiny) Dulcolax pills. Actually READ the instructions enclosed with the Purgodan powders which I’ll be taking later, and realize I was supposed to have a no/low fibre breakfast. Uh oh. Oatmeal & raisins - low fibre??? Don’t think so.
9:30 - head down to my workroom and get started on my partial work day. Things are totally uneventful so far.
11:30 - tummy is feeling... hungry? I’m not allowed anything but clear fluids & jello, so hungry will make no difference.
11:45 - maybe not hungry. Maybe uncomfortable?
12:00 - definitely bubbly/gurgly & uncomfortable. Sounding a bit like the basement sump pump.
12:10 - go potty. Not nice - will not describe. Wash hands and go back to work.
12:12 - go potty. Repeat above.
12:14 - repeat, mostly, but in the potty for much longer time.
12:20 - repeat. The elastic waistband on my shorts is feeling way, way too tight. I’m in the bathroom so long this time I wish I’d had the foresight to put on my wireless headphones. Then at least I could be listening to the radio, distracting myself from the noxious fumes in the potty. Sorry, I did say I wasn’t going to describe things, didn’t I?
12:30 - OMG, I finally manage to escape long enough to go upstairs and grab a summer shift. These shorts have GOT TO GO. Hah, hah, hah. Double entendre there. I take summer shift into the upstairs potty, where I open the window, then take a seat on the throne. I am not able to leave and wonder if DH will come home and find me on the crapper, collapsed from dehydration. The instructions indicate you must consume at least a full glass of water-based fluids every hour, but I can’t get to the kitchen. Heeeeelp.
12:40 - ok, made it out and now wearing the summer shift. Much easier on tummy. Get emergency glass of water and head down to the office where I start this journal entry. I really think this experience needs documenting, if for no other reason than I’ll likely have to do it all again in a few years, and will want to remember it in exquisite detail.
1:00 - feeling hungry again. Slightly worried, based on last time. Wander around aimlessly for a while.
1:10 - have some apple juice and go back to work. Stock bathrooms with reading material and more toilet paper. I’m pretty sure I will need both, eventually.
1:25 - back in the potty for another 10 minutes. The reading material was a good idea.
2:20 - Things have been nice and quiet for almost an hour, but it’s time for a concoction. I prepare & drink sachet # 1 of Purgodan. I really had to steel myself after reading the little caution about “if it heats up, let it cool before drinking, continuing to stir while it cools down”. It did not heat up and tasted, all things considered, ok. A combination of 7-UP and orange, with a slight but definite chemical undertone. I do know that things are going to start percolating again. Soon.
2:30 - I decide I deserve a break today. Cuddle up to the big-ass tv to watch America Sews.
3:00 - the ShamWow commercial drives me away from the tube. I am going back to work, for a while at least, and wonder what I’ll have for supper tonight. I have to choose between vegetable broth, chicken broth, or beef broth. Oh, decisions, decisions. I notice a funny little muscle spasm in my lower mid-back. Hmm. Muscle spasm? Or do we have intestines there?
4:00 - I think it was just muscle spasms. Little bloink bloink bloinks. Hunger is setting in, so I dig through the pantry until I find the orange jello package from 5 years ago. I set the water to boil and give DH pretty clear instructions to make Jello. Then I repeat the instructions. Then explain what a fruit nappy is. Once that’s under control I return to the sweat shop.
5:00 - work is finished and I head upstairs with a worry on my mind. Crap! (little ha ha ha over my choice of words), I wonder if I’ve done something wrong? There has been NO (ahem) ACTIVITY for hours. I’m due for concoction # 2 of Purgodan. Cold water, stir, stir, stir, exercise caution if it heats up, drink, drink, drink. My brain is smarter than I am apparently. I get the stuff in my mouth but have great difficulty getting my body to swallow. Meanwhile, DH is making supper. Can you tell which is which? How mean can a guy be? We shared a laugh (although I’m careful about laughing too hard. Just in case.) about how on a NORMAL day, if he’d tried to feed that pizza to me for supper, I’d have been pretty ticked off. But in the current circumstances it smells really really good. Because I cannot have any. Yum - salty and greasy makes my mouth water.
5:45 - uh oh. Just like Freddy Krueger.... it’s baaaack... Off to the potty. Pretty much just liquid now. Sorry. TMI??? (“too much information” for those of you who don’t understand acronyms)
5:50 - back to the potty.
5:55 - back to the potty. I dare not trust a fart. A rough calculation goes: if the 2:20 concoction has effect at 5:45, the 5:00 concoction should strike at 8:25.
6:40 - I thought I was done until 8:25-ish, but it seems not.
6:50 - The Niagara Farmer’s Monthly is almost finished in the downstairs potty. I need to find another periodical to keep me amused AFTER 8:30. In the meantime, we will attempt to watch a movie. Brothers, starring Spider Man, I mean Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Natalie Portman.
6:55 - sigh. Maybe NOW we can start the movie.
9:30 - several potty trips have interrupted the film. I’ve had a jello, a glass of water, a chamomile tea, a cup of broth, and I’m HUNGRY. I’m saving a second jello for 10 pm, then I’ll have my third jello for brunch tomorrow. Normally at this time of night I’d be pouring a glass of wine, but since I’ve not eaten I don’t want to get... ready???... shitfaced. Hah hah hah hah hah. Pffftt - I’m going to bed.

8 comments:

  1. OMG I am so sorry but I think I laughed so hard I didnt make it to the potty ROFLMAO

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  2. HAHAHA! I love your diary of your day! I laughed so hard but I also sympathize, as I too have gone thru the "experience".
    It sure does make one feel "lighter" tho and the numbers on the scale are delightful! Hope you survived.

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  3. oh my god,
    I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face and my co-workers, yes, sneaking in at my day job, are wondering if I am okay

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  4. Thanks for the description. Helps me to be prepared for my adventure tomorrow. I have liquids, creams, books, radios, etc. in both bathrooms.

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  5. That was too funny, I laughed so haarrrrdddd!! What's taking so long it has not affected me yet? it's been about an hour since I took the purg-odan?

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  6. Hey. Thanks a lot for guiding me through the process.

    This is how my process started. I was called by the clinic to come for the test because my doctor's office had made the arrangement with them. There was no instructions on what laxatives to buy. When I asked, the clinic said they will call my doctor's office and get back to me. They called me back and told me to go to the pharmacy, and that the pharmacy knows what to sell to me. It didn't work out that easily. No pharmacy was able to tell me what to buy except one who suggested Purg-odan, but no instructions. He told me to call my doctor for the instructions. My doctor is not somebody you can ever reach.

    After reading your story, I bought Dulcolax and Purg-odan and followed almost as you did yours. It worked fine. I did clear out my system.

    My test went almost fine. In fact, I feel lighter and agile now than I can ever remember. In fact, I feel good.

    Thanks.

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  7. Omg I love this! My husband is preparing for his Colonoscopy tomorrow. He took his Purgodan schedule at 8:30 and has been drinking clear fluids but still no action...lol he's almosthe due to take next pack. I'm feeling worried could he have done something wrong?

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  8. Absolutely hilarious! I'm sitting here having taken my first two doses of Purgodan - can't leave the bedroom or I'll be too far from the toilet. In fact, I had to run to the washroom part way through this post! Cannot figure out what could possibly be left in my system to take the 3rd dose tomorrow morning. Yes I've done this before (10 years ago) but my mind has mostly blocked out the memory. I just keep telling myself that about 20 hours from now I will be FINALLY eating something. The one good thing ?? I don't think my tummy has been this flat in years :)

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